You Were Spared From This Rambling Bullshit For Damn Near Three Months.... That's Long Enough...

I feel like all i ever do is think lately... if i'm not thinking, i'm hanging out with my friends, and in the back of my mind i'm thinking, but i'm trying not to because it just gets in the way... I don't even know what i'm thinking about half the time, often random shit, but more often all the fucking decisions i'm being forced to make... I don't know what the fuck i want to do with my life, i know i want to go to college, i don't know where, i'm not even sure what i want to be anymore... I hate the fact that this is the "most crucial year of my life" and yet it's the most indecisive i believe i've ever been... I fucked up one of the best things i've ever had going for me, i fucked up in school for the first quarter, i fucked up with my parents for the past couple months, and my relationship with God has went to shit for the past couple years... I want to change it, but where the fuck do i start? I know i can start by making the right decisions, hanging out with the right people, etc. But this brings in a problem.. I've yet to find a church that i can stay interested in, thought i found the right one, but then that idea was shot to hell for various reasons... Hanging out with the right people? I'm not saying that i'm high and mighty over my friends, or anything of the sort, but my best friends for the past 3 or 4 years i believe are far from the right friends... I've had more fun with them than i ever will in my life, but not necessarily the correct decisions, but i refuse to end those relationships, i believe i just may need to restrict them... But how do i restrict a friendship? Especially when a great many of them are family members, and if they're not directly related, they've still taken on the title... Maybe i just think too much, maybe i overthink things in order to make them "perfect" but end up ruining great things... maybe i should just sit back and watch things happen around me, and not think so much... Maybe i should end the memorable sleepless nights, and force a schedule upon myself, in an order to correct my problems with school... I've always seen myself graduating high school, going off to college, passing with flying colors, and having a great career... but maybe that lifestyle isn't meant for me... how do i know if i'm to be the average person? How, aside from praying, do i find answers to anything? Or possibly i'll choose what i believe to be the right decision, but once i act on it, and it's not what i want, am i just fucked? How do i come up with the words to say i fucked up? How do i take it back? Or is it even possible? Or do i say, well i'll learn from my mistakes, and try and move on? But that's the problem, i can't move on... I'll take entire fault, but i made a decision that in my mind has changed my entire life... and i'm supposed ot shrug that off? i fucking can't... This post sucked, in many more ways than one, and is probably the most awful writing people have read in awhile, but that's what you get... along with my apologies...

No, It's Not Back By Popular Demand, Because Quite Frankly, No One Gives A Fuck About My Blog

Well....It's been about 5 months since my last post, and i 'm bored at work today, so i figured i'd give a little update. Alright, so, since March, April....Nothing, May....Nothing, June....I got out of school (WooHoo), July....Worked a lot, Aug....Still working a lot, and getting ready for school to roll back around. It's pretty weird, thinking that i'm going to be a senior this year. Only 9 months left, and then to the college life. Speaking of college life, i'm not even sure what i'm going to do with myself. Well, as an overview, life's been alright, my good buddy Cody moved back into town this last week, so i'm stoked as ever. I have someone to go along with my spontaneous ideas now. Well...Shannon and I hit the two year mark, pretty exciting, eh? Well, other than that, not a whole lot else going on, just hanging out, and savoring the last couple weeks Summer....I prob. won't update again for awhile, so i'll update on the whole school thing next time, Late.

I'm So Confused....Where's My Podium?....

I'm confused, confused about everything....Well, not necessarily confused, but just....i dont' know, i guess i've just been in a weird mood lately. Normally..i'm...well....Cody says I'm "Intense" all the time. I don't feel like I'm that intense lately...I've just been kind of kicking back, and watching everybody do their own thing..Just taking everything in that is going on around me. I don't really care what happens, i'm just laid back, and whatever does happen, must mean it was meant to be...I'm almost starting to decide that everything is just fate, and we can't change it, no matter how hard we try, we can't change what is going to happen, or the way people think, so we're not changing anything (that was gay). But honestly, i just feel helpless, and i don't know why, i dont really want anything in my life to change lately, i like the way its going. Aside from the fact that on March 30, 2005 my good buddy Cody is gonna be packing his bags and catching the first Ford Explorer down to Sacramento to live with my buddy Jeff. And the fact that i don't have any money (don't get out your wallets and purses), but who needs it anyway, its far over-rated. On a better note....The OC is on tomorrow night, that is one thing I'm sure i can get all intense about, because Oh Buddy, It's going down. Next up, people living in Roseburg are weird. Like that creepy little kid that was rubbing Cody's leg through the chair at the movies, and then that little fucker tried snatching up the popcorn, so Cody had to let him know who he was dealing with... After that, I went into the bathroom and some little faggot in the stall was saying "Stop it Ricky, your making me laugh" (in the most giddy voice i think i've ever heard), "your not helping my maturity level". Young faggots these days, it's rediculous. Or what about that crazy 12 year old that drives his mom's car around town and shakes his head while he looks at me like his eyes are gonna catch me on fire? (He drives a silver Sentra, someone has to of seen him by now). That kid has some serious problems. Who's next, um... there were some demented kids carrying around a dead nutria the other night, that was kind of weird....well, really weird. And i'm afraid if i keep this rambling post going, its gonna get really weird if you know what i mean. I'm Out.

Thoughts...

I've been thinking about everything so much lately....I'm not sure why, but i just can't have a clear mind lately... I'm thinking about school, how stressed i am, and how much i hate it there. My job, and how i'm required to have one...it's not a half bad job, but life would just be so much less complicated and stressful if I was finance free, and wasn't required to have a job... Also, i've been thinking about my friends, who my real friends are, and who I want my real friends to be... It's weird how friends work... Or what classifies someone as your "friend" rather than an acquaintance...Or why people dislike others for no reason....Nothing makes sense, why are we here? Why are we sent through this maze like little mice before we are able to be released into the "pearly gates". Yes, i understand we're here to make the choice for ourselves of where we want to end up (being Heaven or Hell). But is that really the only reason? If that is, then why do we keep trying to find ways to live longer, or why do we fear death when we all know its inevitable, and we don't want our time on earth to end too soon, when we know we're all going to end up where our hearts and minds lead us in the long run... Do we want a longer lifespan to give us a chance to make up our minds, isn't 40 or 50 years enough, why do we need 80 or 90? Nothing makes sense to me, and no matter how hard i try, i can't explain it to myself... This post is all kind of wierd now that I just read back through it, but some of you may get me, some may not... If not, I apolegize, if so, then drop a comment, help me out... Take Care All...